God has definitely been working in my heart the past few weeks as I've prayed for the fatherless.
He is breaking me again in places that I don't want to be broken. He's brought my thoughts and emotions back to the children who have captured my heart. Both children I've met and those who have no face, no voice, but are oh SO THERE. I just feel the heaviness of the knowledge of the millions of children.
It hurts. It hurts to remember, to be reminded. It hurts to acknowledge disappointment, shattered dreams, the reality of the future for many of these kids.
It shakes me to the core.
The Lord has shown me the past few weeks my lack of belief. Yes I pray. But do I pray with HOPE? Do I pray believing that God IS going to do something? I talk about it alot. All the time really. I preach it to myself everyday. That there is hope for these kids.
But sometimes I just can't get that into my heart. As I look back now, I realize the Lord met me last week late at night. I was having one of those days. Those days where your heart is heavy, where this life I'm living feels rather meaningless compared to the work I could be doing, where Guatemala feels far away, where hope of Claudia ever getting adopted feels oh so unlikely.
I was laying in bed and was just really wrestling with God. As I prayed I had the realization that I wasn't believing. I was praying but I prayed with doubt, guarding my heart. Did I believe God was big enough? Yes. Did I believe He could and would do things? Yes. Was I believing it for these kids, specifically Claudia? Nope.
I cried as the conviction settled in my heart. I was so ashamed of the lack of faith and hope that I had.
There IS hope for these kids. Our prayers ARE being heard,and answered according to His sovereign will. I DO believe this without a shadow of a doubt. I just needed to be reminded.
"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord."
I think all of you read my primary blog ( http://www.guatemolly1.blogspot.com ). But in case you haven't, it's time you meet Claudia.